Waterboarding For The Soul

Waterboarding. What is it? Torture? Enhanced interrogation? Or simply a quick, cost-effective spa alternative for the working man? 

Probably the first, but who the hell really knows? That’s why we here, at Whalley AV Club, decided to get to the bottom of the age-old question; is it really torture if you find a semantic loophole in existing government documents? 

And what better way to find out than to emulate our freedom-fighting heroes over at the CIA, and torture each other on camera? 

No, really. Please. Is there a better way?

But if we were going to do this, we were going to do it right. No Mickey Mouse, Tim Kennedy bullshit. Although, in Mr. Kennedy’s defence, what self-respecting war criminal wouldn’t try to downplay torture? 

Many before have tried and failed, such as famed British atheist and cancer failure Christopher Hitchens, Al-Qeada, UFC meth head Sean Strickland, the aforementioned self-proclaimed war criminal, Tim Kennedy, and many, many more. 

Not us. 

After an intense session of backyard waterboarding, we were able to come to two conclusions:

1. It hurts

2. It doesn’t seem particularly effective, given the fact we were at it for hours and yet didn’t gain any terrorist intel. 

... and our intelligence careers will likely be short-lived.